Edwin's Xangarevelations from a mind that never exercises
ahoy_hoy
read my profile
sign my guestbook

Visit ahoy_hoy's Xanga Site!

Name: Edwin
Country: Canada
State: Ontario
Metro: Hamilton
Birthday: 6/26/1983
Gender: Male


Occupation: Student


Message: message me


Member Since: 8/21/2002

SubscriptionsSites I Read

Blogrings
Mac KCF
previous - random - next

KSA or KASA
previous - random - next

- Koreanz 20 Something -
previous - random - next

Korean Christian Fellowship (Canada)
previous - random - next


Posting Calendar

|<< oldest | newest >>|
view all weblog archives

Get Involved!

Suggest a link

Recommend to friend

Create a site


Wednesday, February 07, 2007

So for all you following my blog, I heard back from McMaster today and I guess it's what I expected, but not what I had hoped.  No love from Mac.  So I guess the only way I'll be remaining at Mac is if I decide to go through with a Master's or continue to work where I am at right now.  I guess I'm a little disappointed; not overly disappointed but I think I would have welcomed a chance to interview.  However, these are quite general comments.  I'm sure that everyone who's applied shared this hope.

For me what this really about is going through with something I planned.  I mean we all have dreams and aspirations and I believe that this is what it is right for me.  I think I am coming to realization that my application is does fall short, at least where marks are concerned, and though there are may be people are supporting me and hoping that I do get in, they are limited in how much they can help me with and there is a lot more that I have to take onus for.  Does this mean I pursue a master's?  Well, I guess what I had hoped was that I completed my degree in good standing and this would be enough for me to be accepted but I am coming to the realization that this may not be the case.  Do I continue to work where I am?  This is a hard question to answer.  I definitely feel comfortable with the work that I am doing, and aside from the lack male companionship at work, I am happy where I am.  However, if what I desire continues to be medicine, then I am not sure if this is the best place for me to better my chances of acceptance.  If I do decide to leave work, it will be a difficult decision to make.  I have been entrusted with so much and I wish to be a part of what is happening here.  I am grateful for the opportunity to grow here and develop skills that I will need moving forward.

What I'm feeling is a little disappointed from the news.  It also makes me face the realization that although I give recognition to what I have been able to accomplish thus far, there is still much left to be accomplished.  I think that's the reality I have been trying to avoid - the idea of having to grow beyond what I see.  But I need to grow and mature and I recognizing this need is the first step towards taking action.

What is important to me is that I feel that I still have control over this process.  I mean, yes I do agree that to a certain extend I should feel I can rely on God and be able to entrust Him with what I believe is important to me, but I also recognize that I should not be thinking that my actions are controlled entirely by outside circumstances.  I feel that there is still a lot of things I have control over such what steps I take next, whether I re-examine my goals or whether I start writing new ones.  It is the idea that I have no control over the position I am in that is debilitating and false.

And whether I need to make these evaluations still remains to be seen.  I await word from Western and Toronto.


Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Another day has passed without word from Mac.  I await another day.


Monday, February 05, 2007

So I spent the day at work waiting for a letter to arrive at home.  Let me be honest, I was quite anxious and I'm usually not this way.  It was hard to keep my mind off it.  McMaster has sent their letters on Thursday (or so the people on those pesky med school forums say) and I expected to receive a letter today, given that I live in Hamilton.  Well, nothing came and I figured that I got worked up for nothing.  Frustrating I tell you.  However, it does leave me some time to reflect on this whole application process and ponder whether this is truly what I want to be doing in the end. 

Out of all the things out there that I could possibly do, is medicine the right choice?  You think I would have a concrete answer for this: You'd expect me to have this set conviction on this.  Like I alluded to above, I do not want to set my expectations to high because of the fear of disappointment.  I'm learning more these days that I have a lot of pride that I need to at least recognize.   Fear of failure can be quite daunting and sometimes it appears best to be apathetic to the results.  The lower your set your expectations, the less you will disappointed.  Sounds kinda whack but it definitely works - if only temporarily.

The funny thing about thinking about a result within some kind of divine plan is that you're never wrong.  I mean, if I don't hear back from McMaster, than there's a purpose in that.  If I do, than there is a purpose there as well.  I think I would be much more content with the latter, but I do not set myself to be too disappointed if the first happens.  Some may call this selling out... the easy way out.  I'm not sure what to believe.  I definitely think that there is a divine purpose to everything; it's I guess more what that purpose means to me that needs a little more contemplation.  Maybe, this will mean a little less anxiety tomorrow as wait through another day before hearing the results.  If I think of this situation realistically, there is not much I can do about the result.  This doesn't dismiss the fact that it's a emotional rollercoaster - this waiting bit.


Saturday, February 03, 2007

February...

Time has travelled pretty quickly.  We have now embarked on the month of February, a month that will put some shape into what transpires over these coming months.  For those not updated on my life, my applications to medical schools were submitted in the fall and it is now time for me to harvest what I have sowed.  Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself.  I will be finding out from Mac most likely on Monday on whether I have an invitation for an interview and this has got me quite anxious.  I know that things are out of my hands and it has been like this since the time I submitted my application.  Now, I await the results. 

What does this all mean to me?  I have definitely been given a lot of time to ponder this question.  What happens if I don't hear anything back?  This is a harsh reality that I might have to face.  Before, I really didn't want to buy into the idea of going to medical school because of the chance of being disappointed.  I guess it's that feeling of wanting something so much and then being left empty-handed - yes, I believe the term is 'rejection.'  This may be a reality on Monday and because I have committed myself a little further in the pursuit of medicine, I think that facing this reality may be a very difficult task.  I understand that the decision has ultimately been made and the course is now just taking its path (does that make sense?  I use analogies that I just don't fully know or understand and end up sounding like a fool).  Let's put it another way, the barrel has already fallen over the falls.  I await patiently for the results - hoping, wanting to pray but not sure where to start.  If only I had faith of a mustard seed...

Is it necessary to have an expectant heart?  This is something I wonder.  I think I have avoided the possibility of disappointment too long and now need to realize that I can no longer avoid it.  It may or may not come but I can't expect to be safeguarded from my own emotions.  There are definite times in the past that I remember crying - genuinely letting in my feelings and being affected by them.  I used to be quite the emotional boy; however, it appears that through the years, I have developed mechanisms that have shielded me from feeling hurt and though they have served their purpose in the past, I realize that it is only a temporary hurt that I am protecting myself from.  The larger issues still remain and they will persist as long as I try to avoid them.

Perhaps this is the tipping point.  The time where I realize that all that I have done to will change has not been effective and what I need to do is realize that I need more than just myself to accomplish that which I seek most earnestly.  Conflict resolution... how is lasting change possible?  Please pray for me as I embark on answering some of these questions for myself.


Thursday, November 30, 2006

savedarfur.org

I've just returned from a trip to meet survivors of the Darfur genocide at refugee camps in Chad. What I saw horrified and saddened me, but it also inspired me.

Accompanied by acclaimed actress Mia Farrow, I traveled to the region to learn about the lives of those displaced by the violence, to tell them that the world will not forget them, and to gather their stories to share with you.

We've posted photos and documentary film footage from the trip on our web site - click here now to view them.

In the Gaga camp, we met refugees who had just arrived after a ten-day walk from Darfur and were too shocked to speak in anything other than three- or four-word sentences.

At the Habile camp, we met the village chief of Louboutigue whose 300-person community was still waiting for grain rations eight days after their homes were burned and their food supply looted.

In the Goz Beida hospital, we met three men whose eyes were gouged out simply for being on their own land - land that someone else wanted.

In the Djabal camp, we met a woman who showed us a terrible wound on her back, caused by a bullet that had first killed the daughter she had been carrying as she tried to escape an attack by the Janjaweed.

And yet all the people we met believed that the world community would end the violence and allow them to recover their lives and return to their homes.

We met real people struggling to get through each day, grinding grain, and taking care of children. The children wanted to meet us and play with us. The adults had smiles for us. Most of all, they wanted us to tell the world that they were waiting to go home.

We must not let them down.

Upon our return, Mia Farrow and I held a briefing with media in Washington to share our experiences along with photos and video footage from Chad. The briefing and footage were also distributed by satellite to international media outlets to tell the stories of the people we met.

Please click here to visit our web site to see photos and film footage from our trip and the press briefing. Then share these stories in your communities so the people of Darfur can go home.

Through my work I have met many people like you who are standing up to fight genocide.

It was my deepest honor to represent you, and the hundreds of thousands of courageous people like you across America, to tell the people of Darfur, face to face, that we will continue to speak for them.

I ask you to please forward this email on to your friends and family so they can join the effort.

To make a donation to allow us to continue our work, please click here.

Thank you again for your continued support and encouragement.

Best regards,

David Rubenstein
Save Darfur Coalition

The Save Darfur Coalition is an alliance of over 175 faith-based, advocacy and humanitarian organizations whose mission is to raise public awareness about the ongoing genocide in Darfur and to mobilize a unified response to the atrocities that threaten the lives of more than two million people in the Darfur region. To learn more, please visit http://www.SaveDarfur.org.



Next 5 >>